I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
