Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
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