I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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