My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
