what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm too high and old for this...
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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