Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
