Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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