That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
