She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
There r osticjed everywhere
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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