it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
and you fell through a lawn chair
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
