Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
