my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
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