you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.