You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
People With No Siblings Will Never Understand These 23 Things
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.