I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
21 Reasons You’ll Be Forever Alone
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.