saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
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