his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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