first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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