Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
