i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
