yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
