I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
The Olympian is in my bed
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
