Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
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i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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