Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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