I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
