do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
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Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
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Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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