On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
