Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
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My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
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You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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