Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
So apparently I’m into choking now
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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