Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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