I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
