My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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