My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
