May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
