I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I am spending my child support on dildos
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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