The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
