I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Life without a bra equals bliss.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
