I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
