Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Randomize
