The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
