I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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