he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
