First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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