shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
