my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
