R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
so let's talk penis.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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