My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
