Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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