forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Randomize
