Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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