he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize