Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
