Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
