last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
