Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize