I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
