Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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