I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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