moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
So vagazzling was a success
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