i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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