my mouth tastes like poor choices
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
