The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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